What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 03:18
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I have no regrets .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was seconnd youngest,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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As i do to all so called friends.?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
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I was very sick at this time too.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She married twice! .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im still living with it.
All the time i was locked up.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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But, we were locked up after school.
Comes on , in middle age.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Is it just me, or do we all hate Sasuke from Naruto?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When she asked me how she looked .
But it wasn’t much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
What did i know ?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I think the readers, may guess!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My family never makes their pension either.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She loved him until the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He resisted the act ,that day.
We were not on the streets..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
This is soul school!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I will be 64.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
It was going to be , some day.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I write beautiful poetry .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I don,t even have a pension.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was 9 years of age.
My life is so biszare .
Ive learnt so much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Put me off passion for life!!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He knew the spot.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So whats the point in blame.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I waited trembling.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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I couldn’t, believe it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Especially a lifetime of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I said to her
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We all went to grammer schools
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She found it foreign!.
One cannot live in the past .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was in good health!
And i lived it daily.
Who then, do I blame.?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was scared of men, in general
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She wouldn,t have been !
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Would this be the day?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.